North of Hope

I can’t believe it – our baby girl is nearly two months old!  Over the past eight weeks, I’ve learned so much about myself and my new role as a mom.  There have been triumphs, and certainly failures, but each day brings tremendous growth and no shortage of happiness.

The first few weeks

Our initial weeks at home consisted of a whirlwind of visitors – from family and friends, to coworkers and our church group.  Each visit brought forth the incredibly clear realization of the widespread love for Reese, and the multitude of prayers that went into her coming into this world.  It was so special to have her here with us over the holidays!  While we did not do much, the quiet moments sitting by the Christmas tree with her in my arms are cherished memories.

Dave was able to take the first week off of work and spend time adjusting to our new family of four (can’t forget Nash!).  I am so grateful for that time we had and the bonding which took place.  Even though we were both exhausted and running on minimal sleep, we had so many laughs together and learning opportunities as new parents.  Dave still devotes his time at home to being a hands-on parent and supportive husband.  I adore his commitment to the two of us, and most importantly, his intentional focus to still make our marriage a priority.  The weekend prior to having Reese, Dave and I went out for dinner and wrote down our intentions to one another for when we became parents.  Things such as “We will go on a date, just the two of us, at least once per month.”  Those promises are posted on our refrigerator, and serve as a daily reminder to never lose sight of the love we have.

Becoming a “Mama”

My adjustment to motherhood has been challenging, yet oh so beautiful.  Seeing Reese smile for the first time, turn her head when her dad or I walk in the room – those are moments that I feel so fortunate to experience.  Our little family has a whole new routine, or lack thereof, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I surprised myself postpartum by having some extreme emotions around no longer being pregnant.  Considering the severe nausea I had for the first half of my pregnancy, I never thought I would miss that phase of life!  But I would think about how our little girl was so safe while she was inside of me.  I didn’t worry about her health or protection.  Her little kicks throughout the day would remind me of her well-being.  And the reality is, it is uncertain whether or not I will ever have the opportunity to be pregnant again.  We have one remaining embryo to use in the future, but there is no guarantee it will take.  So I would find myself holding my belly in those first few weeks and tearing up.  But then I would look at my daughter, and realize just how much I ADORE being a mom and getting to interact with her in real life.  We hope and pray to give Reese a sibling one day, but trust fully in God’s plan.

What I am Surprised by

The question I get asked most often is: “What are you most surprised by since becoming a mom?”  Well… I knew the nights would be difficult, and tiring… But I didn’t realize just how sleepless we would be for these initial months of our daughter’s life.  Currently, Reese is waking up about 2-3 times in the night, and as someone who has always needed her sleep, that has been tough!  Fortunately, I have an incredibly supportive partner who shares in the nightly wake ups with me and does whatever he can to support me, despite not being able to feed her himself.  I keep reminding myself that this sleepless time is just the season of life that we are in.  And I consciously try to re-frame my mindset from “I am so tired; can you just sleep for a little longer, Reesie?” to “I’m so grateful to get to snuggle you again, honey.  You’re so special to me.”

Breastfeeding is a full time job.  Wow.  Women are truly amazing, as is the human body.  The fact that a female’s body can create the exact composition of nutrition to grow another human being is nothing short of miraculous and, might I add, an act of no one but God Himself.  I am incredibly grateful to have the honor to breastfeed our child, but want to emphasize that I respect however a parent chooses to feed his/her baby.

My confidence as a mom has grown tremendously over the past few months.  When we first brought Reese home from the hospital, I remember feeling overwhelmed with emotion and uncertain of my capacity to care for her in the way she needed or deserved.  Would breastfeeding work for us?  Would I be able to learn her different cries and soothe her effectively?  Those little bumps on her skin – was she having an allergic reaction to something?  How in the world would I ever go to Target with a baby?!  But with time, trial and error, prayer and a whole lot of grace, we have learned so much about one another.  I am involved in a New Mamas group through Amma Parenting Center, and this has been such an amazing part of my growth as a mom.  I have gotten together with a group of other first-time moms twice weekly, and we are able to share what is working well along with what we need help/support with.  We laugh together, cry together, and support each other.  This group has not only served as emotional support for me, but it has also given me newfound confidence to leave the house with an infant and navigate everyday life.  I would highly recommend a group like this to any new mom, and am sad that today was our final formal gathering in the classroom setting!  I hope to continue the relationships we have formed over the past six weeks.

My love for Dave has changed… for the better.  I thought I loved him before we had Reese; he has always been such a considerate and intentional partner.  But the moment we met our daughter and I saw the way he looked at her with such awe and disbelief, I experienced a new type of love for him.  A deeper love.  A love that continues to grow whenever I see him smile at her, hold her in the middle of the night, kiss her when he gets home from work, and willingly change any dirty diaper. 😊

Going Forward

My most recent anxieties have been related to the fact that my maternity leave is almost over.  The time has honestly flown, and I attribute a lot of that to how busy we’ve been.  We have enjoyed lunches and dinners out with friends, exploring new restaurants/breweries, spending time with my New Mamas group, and having numerous visitors multiple times a week.  In my final four weeks of leave, I am making a personal (and now public!) vow to slow down and enjoy as many snuggles as I can.  I plan to not make plans.  I do not regret staying busy for the initial few months, but now it’s time to focus more on relaxation.  To spend time with my little family and soak up all the smiles, giggles, coos and milestones.

As much as I feel anxiety around the thought of returning to work, I am fortunate to have a stable job and wonderful coworkers to return to.  Reese will remain in our home and be cared for by a combination of people: a nanny, Dave’s mom and my mom.  I know our little girl will be in wonderful hands and she will be the greatest thing to come home to every day.

As always, thank you all for following our journey!  Being a mom truly is the greatest blessing, and I look forward to continuing to share my experiences with you all.

XO,
Em