North of Hope

Happy New Year, everyone!  Today marks two weeks since we welcomed our beautiful little girl, Reese Caroline, into the world.  The past few weeks have been the most magical, joy-filled, exhausting, wonderful weeks of my life.  It took years and numerous trials to reach the birth of our first child, and now, it is difficult to remember what life was like without her.

Our Birth Story

At our 38-week appointment, my body was progressing and dilated to a point at which our OB offered a scheduled 39-week induction.  We were thrilled to have this as an option, and were told to call the hospital on the morning of Wednesday, December 18^th to ensure that they indeed had room for us (this was elective, after all).  That morning, the phone call confirmed that we would be starting the process to meet our daughter!

We arrived at the hospital at 7:00am, and were greeted by the two nurses which would be spending the next twelve hours with us.  One of the nurses had been working on the unit for over 20 years, and the other had just graduated college and was starting her nursing career.  As a nurse myself, I was delighted to have a student, as I remember how valuable those initial learning opportunities were!  My IV was started, and at 8:00am, our doctor arrived to rupture my membranes (break my water).  This only caused mild discomfort, and the nurses then started IV Pitocin in order to initiate the labor process and begin contractions.  Pitocin is started at a low dose initially (2mU/min), then increased every 30 minutes up to a maximum rate of 20mU/min.  I labored naturally on both an exercise ball and a peanut ball until 1:30pm, at which time the Pitocin was at 16mU/min and my contractions were less than one minute apart.  My birth plan did include having an epidural, and at this time it felt right to get it started.  One of the anesthesiologists who I work with at my job was covering the hospital that day, and it was so comforting to have a familiar face and a calm presence during what was a very intense period of time.  The epidural was an absolute breeze (the most difficult part was holding still through the contractions).  After it was in place, I could still move my legs enough to participate in position changes, but the discomfort from the contractions was alleviated.

At 1:45pm, the nurses checked my cervix to determine my progress, and I was 3.5cm dilated and 80% effaced.  I should mention that I started the day at 3cm dilated, so I was pretty disappointed.  After reporting my progress (or lack thereof) to my doctor, the nurse placed something called an Intrauterine Pressure Catheter (IUPC) into my cervix in order to better assess the level of my contractions.  They then turned up the Pitocin to the maximum dose, and told me they would be re-positioning me every 45 minutes to an hour.  During the next few hours, I enjoyed a popsicle and the best cup of jello I’ve ever had (it’s amazing what tastes good when you are not able to eat solids!), rested in bed, and around 4:30pm I started to feel…different.  I was involuntarily trembling from head to toe, and started to experience intermittent nausea.  When I reported this to my nurses, the more experienced RN smiled slyly and told me what great news this was.  They decided after hearing these symptoms that they would do another cervical exam to see how far I had progressed in the last few hours.  The newer nurse did the exam first, and her face as she did so was priceless.  She told me that since she was so new, she really couldn’t say confidently how dilated I was, and she didn’t want to be wrong and get my hopes up.  So when the other nurse stepped in to repeat the exam, and confirmed that I was 10 CM DILATED, we all were ecstatic!  My body had been working, and was ready to start the process of birthing our baby girl.

Our doctor was called, and reported he would be arriving at 6:00pm.  Until that time, I was told to rest and allow my mind and body to prepare to push.  The body shakes were still present, and I have to believe it was from adrenaline.  We were about to meet our daughter!  The beautiful child who we had been praying for and dreaming of for so, so long.  The nurses walked me through the process of pushing – ten seconds of bearing down, followed by a short breath, and right back into pushing.  This would be repeated for three, ten second cycles at the time of each contraction.  I had made the choice a few hours prior to not give myself any additional bumps of pain medication through the epidural, as I wanted to feel the contractions enough to know when to push.  I also wanted to ensure I could push effectively.  At 6:15pm when the supplies were set up and our doctor was present, we began to push.  I say we, because it is an absolute team effort.  I had the nurses on my left, Dave was on my right, and our OB right in front of me.  Everyone was assisting in counting and encouraging me through what was without a doubt the most challenging workout of my entire life.  Could I feel pain?  Yes.  But it was pain with a purpose.  The amazing purpose of soon getting to meet our miracle.  After one hour of pushing, our beautiful girl was born and placed immediately on my chest.

Reese and I spent the next hour skin-to-skin, staring wide-eyed at each other.  She breastfed for the first time, which was incredible, and my amazing husband and birth partner was right by my side.  We each were tearful as we looked at our daughter in sheer awe.  We made her.  We created her.  Not in the way that many other couples do, but that’s what made this moment even more special.  Every needle, every burn of medication going into my muscle, every failed pregnancy test, every heartbreaking loss… It all brought us to her.

I experienced a concerning level of bleeding following childbirth, but fortunately it was caught and treated early and therefore did not lead to further complications.  We spent the first night bonding as a family of three and listening to Reese’s every coo and wimper.  The following morning (Thursday), all of our parents came to meet their new granddaughter, and it was a moment I’ll never forget.  The light in my and Dave’s parents’ eyes was so evident.  They, too, fell instantly in love the moment they met her.

On Friday morning, after visiting with my OB, the pediatrician, a lactation consultant and numerous nurses, we were discharged from the hospital and drove away as a family of three.  Nash has been such an amazing big brother and accompanies me in the nursery for every late-night feeding.  The nights are long, and still relatively sleepless, but my husband has been the most supportive partner possible and helps out in whatever way he can, whenever he can.  We plan to introduce a bottle to Reese when she is three weeks old, and I know Dave cannot wait to be able to participate even further through feeding.  My husband deserves an award for the support he has provided.  From sitting up with me at night, cleaning the house and changing nearly every diaper, to telling me I’m beautiful when my shirt is milk-stained and the dark circles under my eyes prominent.  He has been incredible.  I truly have felt a whole new level of love for him that I never thought was possible.  Seeing him sing to her and rock her to sleep makes me feel like the luckiest wife in the world.

On Christmas Eve we decided to go to our church and take in the message from the parent-child area.  Even though our daughter was only five days old, we wanted to honor God and the birth of Jesus Christ.  The final song which was sung prior to the message is called “Great are you Lord”, and while singing it with Reese snuggled close to my chest, I broke down and sobbed.  So many memories at church include singing that song, holding my empty womb and thinking of our four babies who were taken too soon.  That moment, holding my child and hearing that song again brought everything full circle. “It’s your breath, in my lungs, so we pour out our praise to you only.  Great are you Lord.”  He really is great.  All the time.  Even in the darkest of circumstances, God came through for us.  His provisions were and still are great.  Every time I look at our daughter, and my husband loving her so fully, I remember that.

Historically, I have created resolutions or goals for each new year.  For 2020, I am going to focus on the word “Grace.”  Grace for myself as a new mom.  Grace for when I don’t have time to cook a nice meal or shower.  Grace to have a messy home.  Grace for when I break down in tears, for no apparent reason (#hormones).  One thing I’ve learned in the first two weeks of my daughter’s life is that motherhood is hard.  It takes a village, and a whole heck of a lot of grace for oneself and others.  I can’t wait to continue this journey with you all and share my experiences of motherhood – the good, the bad, and everything in between.

All my Love,
Em