North of Hope

Wow – a lot of time has passed since my last blog post!  This was most definitely unintentional, and I apologize to those who I left hanging.  I’m thrilled to let you all know that I am in the home stretch of our final pregnancy with a healthy baby boy!

While on a walk several weeks ago, I was thinking about how I really need to write again.  It’s such an incredible outlet for me, and has proven to be helpful to others, as well, which is honestly the greatest gift of all.  And then, out of the blue, someone who I don’t know but share mutual friends with reached out to inquire about the status of my pregnancy.  She expressed how invested she was in my blog, how it has helped her navigate her own struggles with secondary infertility, and how curious she was about where things landed with our final frozen embryo transfer.  That message was God’s nudge to me to pour some time and attention into this blog once again.  And as my fingers hit the keyboard, I’m already feeling such joy and gratitude.

This pregnancy, similar to my last, has been challenging physically.  I experienced a significant amount of nausea up until roughly 18 weeks gestation, but fortunately since that time I have been feeling relatively well!  Being pregnant while also caring for a toddler is a totally different ball game, that’s for sure!  I’m grateful to have an incredibly hands on, supportive partner who really took on the brunt of parenting for the first half of this pregnancy.  I couldn’t have done it without him!

While physically my two viable pregnancies have been similar, emotionally and mentally they differ immensely.  At this point during my pregnancy with Reese, the nursery was done, all laundry washed, folded and organized, and my hospital bag had been packed for weeks!  Currently, what I’m really trying to focus on is intentional time with my daughter, Reese, and my husband, Dave.  In five short weeks we will no longer be a family of four (can’t forget about our loyal pup, Nash), but a growing, busy, beautifully chaotic family of five.  So, while I have taken some time and have put thought into preparations for his arrival, I’m also trying to truly savor the present moments. 

With regard to mental health, I’ve felt more “blues” during this pregnancy.  This is extremely vulnerable to admit, but I hope that in doing so, even one other person may relate and feel assured in seeking help.  Perhaps it is related to the surge of hormones I wouldn’t normally have, but regardless, my emotions have been all over the board and I finally reached the point a few weeks ago where I spoke with my OB and asked for recommendations on how to move forward.  After all, I want to be in the best possible mental health state going into the postpartum phase, where women are especially at risk for anxiety and depression.  He recommended we change up the medication which I’ve been on for nearly twenty years, and try something new.  While it is risky to make a medication change during pregnancy, and it scared me tremendously to alter my “norm”, it was a risk I was willing to take in order to set myself and my family up for the best success in the future.  So at this current time, I have started my new medication and am slowly weaning off of my previous one.  Emotionally, I haven’t noticed much of a difference as of yet, but I’m hopeful that with time I will see improvements, and I am grateful that I have not experienced any severe side effects from altering my typical dosage/medication.  I thank you in advance for your lack of judgement, and want to advocate for each and every woman who may be experiencing emotions incompatible with their desired daily outcome.  Speak up – life is valuable and too short to not feel like your best self!

Switching subjects back to general life updates, Reese is at such a fun age right now!  Having just turned two in December, she is extremely active, asking thoughtful questions, nearly fully potty-trained and very in-tune with the fact that our family is growing.  She smiles and points to my belly when I ask her where her baby brother is, but still will occasionally pull up her own shirt and point at her own little belly button to evoke laughter from her audience.  We have shifted the rocking chair from her room into her future brother’s, and created a fun little reading nook with a new toddler-sized chair for her to enjoy.  Every evening, when we sit down as a family in that space, read stories and close the evening with a prayer, I am overwhelmed with the blessings I am physically surrounded with.  Never do I take for granted the journey it took to get to her, and when I feel our baby boy kick in my abdomen I am further reminded of God’s perfect plan for our family.  Despite the numerous heartbreaks, He prevailed.  He always does.

My daily prayer goes out to all who are struggling with infertility and longing for a timeline…  I hope to continue to be a source of light and someone others, whether they know me or not, feel comfortable coming to with questions.  Every individual’s journey is unique, but what I found on mine was that a community of support was key.  It was pivotal to my spirit, and my desire to continue trying despite so many doubts.

All my love to you – I will be sure to report back when our little man arrives!

XO,

Em