North of Hope

I can’t believe I am writing these words – I. Am. PREGNANT!!!  Yes, I have been pregnant before, and yes, each time has been extremely special for me.  The knowledge that a life is being formed inside my body – a perfect blend of Dave and I, growing and developing.  Unfortunately, our past pregnancies have ended in heartbreak, but we are actively choosing to be positive and trust in God’s plan for us.  That’s not to say we aren’t worried, but to be honest, we feel cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy.  We can’t help but feel that this baby is here to stay.  To have a due date on Christmas Day – the day that Jesus himself was born – it cannot get much more perfect than that.

And there truly is something to be said about the prayers we’ve been receiving from people all over the country, even the world.  You all have been incredible, reaching out throughout our waiting period to check in, asking if we need anything, and now offering your continued prayers for a healthy, lasting pregnancy.  That has been and will continue to be all we can ask for and more.  The power of prayer is truly amazing, and I honestly think it has contributed to our positive pregnancy result.

So what has been going on in the Bernardy household to get to this point?  Let’s rewind back to our transfer date on Monday, April 8^th.  We arrived at the clinic and went through the same steps we typically do.  First, we reviewed the discharge instructions which, I have to say, I have basically memorized after having now gone through four embryo transfers.  We then waited with bated breath until the embryologist came in and presented us with our beautifully thawed embryo (I’m not sure those words have ever been used to describe a baby until now J).  Then, it was time to put our little one into its home.  Dave and I watched on the monitor, and we could not believe how clearly we could see the embryo travel into my uterus.  Everything about this time around felt perfect, and Dr. Jensen did not leave the room without of course patting my belly and whispering “Stick and Grow, Stick and Grow.”

We then left our clinic in Woodbury and made the familiar drive to my acupuncture appointment in Excelsior.  I had gone the day prior to our transfer, immediately following the procedure, and also the day after.  This is the first time I grouped my treatments together so closely, and so frequently, and I think it certainly helped!  This was recommended by Alexis, my acupuncturist, who I trust wholeheartedly with my care.   She has been with us since the beginning of our IVF journey, and has always been committed to helping me find peace in my mind and body through it all.

Our wait before the blood pregnancy test was nine days.  I once again avoided the temptation of taking an at-home pregnancy test, but I’m not going to lie, it crossed my mind more times than I’d care to admit.  I felt overall pretty well during the nine days, but did have a rather significant scare between days three and six post transfer.  On day three (Thursday), I started feeling some dull cramping in my abdomen.  As Friday and Saturday came, the cramping became more significant, and radiated to my lower back.  Finally, on Saturday night, I started bleeding.  We were at my dad’s house for dinner that evening and I came out of the bathroom after dinner with wide eyes, asking Dave to step out of the room.  I don’t know why I did this – because my family is so close – so ultimately I shared with them all that I noticed I was bleeding when I went to the bathroom.  The room fell silent, and Dave came over to give me a hug.  We both knew this could be a sign of the baby implanting into my uterine lining.  So it could be a good thing!  He or she may be snuggling in for the long run!  But we also were far too familiar with the alternative, the bad, the earth-shattering possibility that this could be the end for our journey, once again.  We chose to enjoy the evening, and distract ourselves with a fun game and laughter.  I was thankful to be with family that night and feel surrounded by their love and support.

The following morning we attended the opening of Eagle Brook Church in Lakeville!  It is the seventh campus that Eagle Brook has launched in the Twin Cities.  It was an absolutely incredible moment, witnessing the lives of so many people being impacted by God.  The final song that was sung that morning nearly brought me to my knees.  Tears streamed down my face as I sang the words “It’s your breath, in our lungs, so we pour out our praise to you only.  Great are you, Lord.”  My dad was standing by my side and put his arms around me, the way he has ever since I was a little girl.  I put my head on his shoulder as I cried and told him how that very song has gotten me through so much in the past year.  I then reached down and touched my stomach.  I thought to myself and prayed to God in that moment, “Oh little one, may you please be the one.”

As of Monday (one week post-transfer), my bleeding had stopped, and we only had two days until we would know if we were pregnant.  Dave and I have recently been working on incorporating daily prayer into our lives as a couple.  This was a challenge our small group initiated, and it has brought so much strength to our relationship with one another and with God.  We may pray together in the morning, perhaps before dinner, or often times it takes place in the window of time we lay together before going to sleep.  On Tuesday night, prior to our appointment the following morning, we prayed that we may have unwavering trust in God’s plan.  That regardless of the outcome, we would have the hope and faith to move forward.  We prayed thanks for all of you, who have been pouring your hearts into our story and our journey.  And we also prayed for a miracle.  That this time would be our time.  That a positive result would be on the horizon.

Dave came with me Wednesday morning for my blood draw.  I typically tell him he doesn’t need to come with me to the blood work appointments, as they literally take two minutes.  But he was insistent that he wanted to be there, and I was reminded in that moment how lucky I am to have such a supportive husband.  We continually have the same, sweet lab technician, and she always giggles when Dave comes back with me for my blood draw and says to her with a big smile, “Good mooorrrnninnngg!!  How are you today?!?”  For those of you who know my husband, the ever optimist, I’m sure you can picture this scene.  She told us how she, too, hoped we would receive a positive result this time.  Our favorite nurse even emailed us during our nine day wait to let us know she was thinking of us and cheering for that little baby in my belly.  What an amazing care team we have!

We had decided that Dave would come to my office late morning on the day of our blood test and work from the lobby, so that he would be able to receive the news with me.  You may remember that in previous instances, the timing was never quite right for Dave to participate in the phone call.  It was difficult to keep my mind occupied that morning, as I repeatedly checked my phone to ensure the sound was as high as it could get.  At 12:27 pm, my phone rang.  It was them!  I darted out of my office and ran across our surgery center to get to the room my husband was working in.  Dave shot up from his chair and I answered, placing the phone on speaker.  It was our favorite nurse calling us.

“Hi Emily, I’m calling to deliver the results of your pregnancy test.  Are you ready?  ((YES))  Congratulations!  It is positive!  You are very much pregnant, sweetie!”

I fell into Dave’s arms and I practically screamed into the phone, “Are you serious?! Oh my gosh!!”  She went on to tell us that my HCG level was 306, which is almost six times higher than my previous two positive pregnancy results.  This was amazing news!  She then asked us if we wanted to know our due date!  In the past, I’ve never been asked this question on the call, so Dave and I looked at each other in disbelief before blurting out “Yes!  Of Course!”

“Your little one is due on Christmas Day!”

I think in my younger years, I would have felt sad, that my baby would perhaps be born in such a busy time of year.  It pains me to write and admit that, but it’s true.  However, when December 25^th was stated over the phone as our due date, it felt nothing short of perfect.  This is our story.  This is our baby.  This is our miracle.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous to post our pregnancy announcement, at just 4 weeks pregnant, for all to see.  Part of Dave and I wanted to wait.  After all, many couples don’t announce they are expecting until they are out of the “high risk” zone of the first trimester.  But we have already shared every piece of our story with you all; we’ve been vulnerable and laid every detail out on the line.  And we wouldn’t have it any other way at this point!

So, what’s next for us?  Well, today I went in for blood work to ensure my HCG levels are rising appropriately.  As a reminder, a woman’s levels should double every 48 hours if the pregnancy is progressing appropriately.  You may remember that in my past two pregnancies, this lab appointment has never gone smoothly for us.  The first time, it barely doubled, and took multiple appointments before my body finally caught up and showed signs that the pregnancy was developing.  And in our most recent pregnancy, the second blood test revealed that my HCG levels had actually declined, and that we were losing our baby(ies).  I am extremely happy to report that today’s level was 787!  Considering our first level was 306, it has more than doubled!!!  Our first ultrasound is scheduled for May 7^th, and we could not be more excited.  In the meantime, I will continue all of my daily injections to help support our baby.  Continued prayers for a healthy pregnancy would be so incredibly appreciated!!

We love you all.

XO,
Emily