North of Hope

Hi everyone!

It’s been a while since I’ve written!  In the latest blog post, my husband did an incredible job describing our journey from his perspective, and I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to read it alongside you all.  It has without a doubt strengthened our love and my appreciation for God, who chose the most perfect partner for me.  In the letter Dave wrote to me on our wedding day, he told me that he would never forget to tell me he loves me every single day.  He promised to hold me tight when life gets hard, and to not let anything get between us and our solid foundation.  Dave’s blog post reaffirmed his promises.  It solidified the fact that I married someone who will forever love me for me, all of me, regardless of the circumstances.

So where are we at in the process now?  Well, after over six weeks of being off all fertility medications, we are back in motion to prepare for our April 8^th tentative embryo transfer date!  It’s been the longest stretch of time we’ve been between treatments/off meds since we began IVF last July!  Throughout the six weeks, despite only taking birth control, I experienced some pretty unpleasant symptoms.  Each evening I would have severe night sweats, which would wake me and leave me uncomfortable and often sleepless for the remainder of the night.  Fortunately, since stopping the birth control, my night sweats have mostly resolved.  I joke with Dave that I’ve had a glimpse into menopause at the age of 30 😉 I started my fertility medication this past Wednesday, March 20^th and have been feeling, for the most part, pretty well.  I am currently taking oral Estrogen three times a day, along with a few other maintenance meds (like baby Aspirin, Vitamin D, and my prenatal vitamin).  So far, I do not have any injectable medications to take, which is far different than any previous cycle we have done!  While the medication regimen is different this time around, I trust my doctor wholeheartedly and know that she is working behind the scenes to create the best possible outcome for us.  Despite the change in medications, I’ve been experiencing the familiar nausea, headaches and fatigue.  But when these symptoms occur, I remind myself that it will all be worth it.  I truly believe that.

I recently celebrated one of my closest friend’s 30^th birthday, and while at the restaurant, I had a moment to speak with her mom, who I admire so very much.  She asked how I was feeling, physically and emotionally, going into our next embryo transfer.  While standing beside Dave, I told her that we were more confident and hopeful than ever before.  As I said this, Dave and I looked at each other and smiled, as we jointly acknowledged the fact that in each embryo transfer we have gone through, we feel more and more hopeful than previous rounds.  After the party, Dave and I spoke further about this discussion and the fact that optimism is our only option at this point.  What benefit would pessimism have on our upcoming embryo transfer?  Absolutely none.

This time does feel different, though.  We have, for the first time, tested each embryo and determined that both of our babies are genetically healthy.  The sense of comfort that this knowledge provides is substantial.  However, I have to say that now, with that knowledge, comes some rather significant pressure on me personally.  It is now up to my body to receive each healthy embryo.  And as the control freak that I am, it is difficult to accept the fact that there is basically nothing I can do to alter my body’s response to these babies.  It is up to God.  Either these babies will become ours, one at a time, or they will not.  As scary as that is to write, I believe (as I have said before) that our plan is already written.

What are the next steps?  I will continue to take my oral Estrogen until our ultrasound and blood work appointment this Friday, March 29^th.  At this appointment, we will have a clear idea regarding whether or not my body is responding appropriately to the medications and the lining of my uterus is building up to accept one of our embryos.  These appointments are always nerve-wrecking, as I’m sure you all can imagine.  I have to consistently remind myself that there is little I can do to alter the results, aside from take my medications as prescribed and maintain a positive attitude.  If my lining looks healthy and is reaching the desired thickness, I’ll likely begin the Progesterone in Oil injections sometime next week (the butt shots – yay).  Things that could potentially delay our transfer date would be slow progress in my lining growth, cysts on my ovaries, or abnormal blood/lab results.  But leading up to Friday’s appointment, I’m actively choosing to think positive thoughts.  My body is capable.  My body is strong.  I can, we can, do this.

I have to admit that I’ve found myself to be in a bit of a “writing funk” as of late.  As I’ve shared before, when I first started North of Hope and was writing about events which had already taken place, I felt it to be much easier to write and share our story.  Now, as I am writing live time and things aren’t perhaps as climactic, I at times feel like my words and thoughts aren’t worthy of sharing.  But, the purpose of this blog was and is to share the real, the raw, the exciting and the uneventful.  So here I am, sharing both my angst and my hope as we approach our upcoming embryo transfer.  And if I’m being honest, I really want to ask for prayers at this time.  While we know God has the final say in the outcome, we are still fearful of another loss and the grief that would inevitably follow.

Thank you to everyone for your following, your love, and your faith in our journey.  Each day brings us one step closer to the opportunity of being “mommy and daddy”.

XO,
Emily