North of Hope

It’s odd to be all caught up and writing “live” for this blog.  I somewhat miss sitting down at my computer in silence, referring to my journal for inspiration and key memories, and reflecting on just how far we’ve come.  There is a sense of fear and uncertainty when I now put my words on paper.  Because when I do, the events that I write about may have just taken place.  And they may be positive, or they may not be.  And I’m not sure how my emotions will be written, or heard.  But while I feel incredibly nervous being so vulnerable and open about each step we are going through at the present time, we are so grateful for the outpouring of love and support.  The calls, text messages, cards, comments and private messages all speak directly to my heart and while I may not reply to each and every one, please know how much they mean to me.

Since my last post, we had a phone conference with our doctor to discuss our genetic testing results.  Even though our embryos were found to be genetically normal, we wondered about their quality and their likelihood of implanting.  Fortunately, we learned that both of our babies are of top ratings according to fertility standards.  Another huge win for team Bernardy!!  A high-quality embryo contains an inner cell mass (which is what becomes the baby) and an outer layer (which forms the placenta).  As the embryo continues to develop, it eventually hatches from its outer shell.  Both of our babies were frozen at this very stage, which Dr. Jensen feels is very encouraging.  I can’t help but think about a chicken hatching from an egg, but that’s beside the point. 😊 After hearing this information and gathering the detail we were hoping for, we confidently made the decision that we would transfer one embryo in our next frozen cycle.

Dr. Jensen then asked us if we still wanted the clinic to keep the gender of our babies confidential.  Back when we decided to send them for genetic testing, we were asked if we would also like to find out the sex of each embryo.  We looked at each other and immediately agreed that we did not – the clinic could keep that information on file, but we would prefer they not share it with us.   Nothing about IVF has felt traditional, so we thought if we can share even one common experience with others, like learning the gender of our baby at either twenty weeks or at birth, we wanted that opportunity.  Out of curiosity, I asked our doctor how many people wished to find out their embryos’ gender at the time of genetic testing.  Without pause, she said over 95% of the couples she has worked with.  We were a bit shocked!  She went on to explain that many people plan out which sex they would like to have first, second, and third, and how many months or years they want between each child.  Once again, I want to say that I respect the actions and decisions of anyone going through this journey, but at this point we would feel beyond blessed to simply have a baby, boy or girl!  And God’s plan is far superior to our own.  We told Dr. Jensen on the phone call that we wished to hold firm to our original plan.  She was excited for us, and said she liked the element of surprise we were creating for ourselves. 😊 I then asked her questions regarding which medications to continue/discontinue, and she concluded the conversation by stating that her scheduler would be in touch within a week to arrange our next Frozen Embryo Transfer.

Fortunately, I received an email the very next day and after coordinating with our schedule and that of Dr. Jensen, we were given a tentative transfer date of Monday, April 8^th.  It is emotional to think about that day, and the month of April in general.  April 11^th was the due date of our first baby who is now in heaven.  I hope that we can celebrate and honor that little one in the month of April with the fantastic news of pregnancy.  A healthy, lasting pregnancy.

All of my medications for this upcoming cycle have been ordered and will be delivered by the end of this week.  I noticed a few new injections have been added to my regimen, and I’m looking forward to my baseline lab and ultrasound appointment on March 15^th to learn more about their purpose.

While I begin my injections and work to get my body to a place where it needs to be both physically and mentally, I will be having a guest writer on the blog!  My next post will be written by someone who is near and dear to me, someone who I happen to share a last name and a life with.  You guessed it – my amazing husband, Dave.  So often, the partner of the woman going through IVF gets left out and some may even think “they have the easy job.”  It’s far from that.  Dave will be bringing you deep into his journey, speaking from his perspective and through his emotions.  And I think this post will showcase just how pivotal that support role really is.

XO,
Emily

Next Post: IVF from the Partner’s Perspective