North of Hope

“One night I had a dream.  I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.  Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.  For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonged to me, the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand.  I noticed that at many times along the path of my life, especially at the very lowest and saddest times, there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.  “Lord, You said that once I decided to follow You, You’d walk with me all the way.  But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life, there was only one set of footprints.  I don’t understand why when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”

The Lord replied, “My precious child, I love you and would never leave you.  During your times of suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”

– Mary Stevenson

I have had the above passage on the background of my phone since we lost our first baby, to serve as a reminder that God is always there.  Through the heartbreak, through the trials, through the losses, God has never left my side.  And when I am feeling low, which as you can imagine has been quite often in this process, I remember that it is okay to let God carry me.

——–

We were back at square one.  We had lost all four of our babies which we had worked so incredibly hard for.  In the midst of the pain, however, there was one fortunate thing: we had chosen to go with our clinic’s warranty program when we made the decision to pursue IVF.  This program includes three total egg retrievals, and the subsequent transfers.  Some couples choose to put all of their eggs in one basket (no pun intended) and go with the least expensive option, which is one egg retrieval.  And while we respect the decisions of others, we wanted the extra assurance that if our first round of embryos did not result in a baby, we would have additional opportunities.  This warranty came at a significantly higher cost, but we felt that a price tag could not be placed on the greater sense of security this option would provide us.

We met with Dr. Jensen shortly after we returned home from our vacation, and I was filled with emotion when she walked in the room.  I could tell that she, too, was sad for our outcome.  From our initial consultation, she was confident that it would not take Dave and I long to achieve success, considering our age and good health.  But there we were, one egg retrieval and three transfers later, with no baby in our arms.  Dr. Jensen recommended that I have labs drawn to rule out any clotting disorders or autoimmune diseases which could potentially be hindering me from getting, and staying, pregnant.  In addition, she suggested we send all embryos from our next egg retrieval cycle to genetic testing.  Examining each embryo for any chromosomal abnormalities would allow us to only move forward with transferring a genetically healthy embryo, which would in turn increase our chances of a viable, lasting pregnancy.  We were in full agreement with both options and, while the genetic testing would be yet another large investment, we believed it was worth every penny.

It took about a week for my lab results to come back and thankfully, everything was normal aside from a slightly elevated thyroid level.  The nurse who delivered my results stated that if I were to have labs drawn at my annual physical, my primary physician would not look twice at my thyroid result.  But, since I am a fertility patient, even a fraction of a point outside of the normal range can make a difference.  So, I began a daily medication for this, and then ordered all of the injections and oral medications I would be needing for our next egg retrieval.  Once again things were progressing quickly, and we were thankful that we would not have to wait several months to move forward.

The stimulation meds brought on the same amount of headaches, bruising and abdominal soreness as the first time, but for whatever reason, my body was taking longer to respond to the injections.  I once again had ultrasound and blood work appointments every other day and each scan would reveal just one or two additional follicles.  I was hoping for faster results, but one thing this process has taught me is that I am most definitely not in control of the timeline or the outcome.  And timing is everything when it comes to IVF.  If the medication doses are too high and follicles develop too quickly, you can lose eggs prior to the retrieval.  So I did all I could to remain calm.  I prayed, a lot.  And then I prayed some more.  And in the midst of our wait, I launched this Blog.  I was so scared to share our story and force myself into a level of vulnerability I had never encountered before.  But this outlet has been such a blessing to me and I am so grateful for the connections I’ve formed and the tremendous outpouring of support.  Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.  After two weeks of nearly six shots a day and too many oral medications to count, the ultrasound revealed that my body was ready.  Our egg retrieval was scheduled for Thursday, January 31^st.

Our fertility clinic was beginning to feel like a second home to us, and when we arrived on Thursday morning we were welcomed by several familiar faces.  I had an IV started, we reviewed my instructions for recovery, and I listened to a guided IVF meditation while I waited for my surgery to begin.  That day alone, eight egg retrievals were taking place and we once again were in awe of how many people were sharing in our struggles.  The curtains dividing each patient bay were thin enough for us to hear the conversations taking place around us, and when each woman would come out from her procedure, we would hear her ask her partner how many eggs were retrieved.  We heard numbers such as twelve and sixteen, and I couldn’t help but pray that our result would be just as favorable.

The next thing I remember after being put to sleep was waking up to Dave in the recovery room.  I began to ask him what our number was, and he had already written on a sheet of paper (again 😊) “Eggs retrieved on 1/31/19:  8”.  I teared up, grateful for the surgery to be over, but also a bit disappointed that my body had not produced more eggs.  In saying that, I want to be sensitive, as I know there are women who may read this post who would be absolutely elated with eight eggs.  I simply had hoped to have more than our first retrieval (which was ten).  After all, a greater quantity of eggs often correlates to a higher number of embryos created.  Dave noticed my spirits falling.  He squeezed my hand and told me that my job was done.  I had done all that I could up to this point, and now I must focus on healing my body and surrendering the outcome to God.  As always, he was right.

That afternoon, the clinic would evaluate how many of our eggs were mature.  They would then attempt to fertilize all of the mature eggs, and wait for five days in order to determine which fertilized and became embryos.  We were told that we would not hear of our results for at least a week, so as Dave and I left the clinic after my surgery, we prepared ourselves for yet another long and torturous wait.

Recovery was tolerable, aside from nausea which seemed to worsen by the day.  At first, I thought it was just my body’s response to the surgery.  But when it did not subside after several days, I pinpointed the likely cause to be the new brand of birth control I was placed on following the procedure.  I know what you’re probably wondering.  Birth control?  Aren’t you trying to have a baby?  Interestingly enough, birth control is used quite frequently throughout IVF in order to best control the timing of critical steps.  In this case, they wanted to keep my ovaries quiet and give them a well-deserved break after all of the stimulation.  I called my clinic and after I switched to a different brand, I almost instantly felt better.

On the Wednesday following our retrieval, I saw the clinic’s name on my phone and was thrilled to be learning our results a day early!  The embryologist was the one calling, and gave me the following information:

“Hi Emily.  Eight eggs were retrieved last Thursday, the 31^st.  Of those eight eggs, four were found to be mature.  Fortunately, all four of those eggs successfully fertilized.  After five days of monitoring them closely, two formed into embryos.  We have taken a sample of cells from each of your two embryos and will be sending them off for genetic testing tomorrow.  You should find out the results no later than Thursday, February 21^st.”

My heart filled with the familiar emotions of fear and sorrow as I heard the news.  Only two babies developed; we had hoped for many more.  The embryologist advised that while our egg maturity rate was rather low, our 100% fertilization rate was far above average.  She felt that a quantity of two embryos was in line with what they would expect, but I still was anxious about our odds.  I immediately called Dave to give him the news, and then sat down to try to collect my thoughts.  We had four opportunities to have a baby from our first egg retrieval.  And now we were at the mercy of our genetic testing results to determine our chances from this round.

When Dave later arrived home, he hugged me and told me something so beautiful.  I immediately wrote down his statement in my journal, and I’d like to conclude this post with his words:

“When you called and told me only two of our babies made it, I started to feel really down and sad for our situation.  But then I told myself I had to change my perspective.  Instead of only having two embryos, we have two opportunities to have a healthy child.”

Amen, honey.  Amen.

XO,
Emily

Next Post:  Our Genetic Testing Results