North of Hope

It has been nearly three weeks since we found out we are pregnant!  These weeks have been eventful, as I’ve been riding the waves of fear, anxiety, and let’s not forget – nausea.  The fear and anxiety still remain, of course, due to our previous losses; however, my physical symptoms remind me daily that our little one is growing and thriving.  And for that I am so incredibly grateful.

The day I turned five weeks, I began to experience the nausea.  I don’t think I’ll ever forget that moment, because I ran into our break room at work and celebrated by exclaiming “You guys!! I feel like I could throw up!!”  They all giggled and rejoiced with me, many of them saying “That’s a great sign!”  This is not a typical reaction to nausea, I know, but I had been praying to experience some sort of pregnancy symptom, and that day, it finally arrived.  From that day on, the nausea has worsened, and I have to laugh when people call it ‘morning sickness’, because mine lasts all day long.  I’ve been trying everything under the sun to control it – Vitamin B6, Unisom, Ginger tabs and Preggie Pops, acupuncture, and even Sea Bands (little elastic bracelets which provide a pressure point on the inner wrist to help alleviate sickness).  The combination of these things has certainly helped, but my afternoons/evenings are still a struggle.  The nausea is difficult yet beautiful at the exact same time.  I mean that.

Dave has been an absolute wonder throughout my sickness, as well.  One night, he portioned out individual baggies of saltines and cans of Ginger Ale, and had a bedside snack table arranged for me!  And now that my diet has completely changed to anything but my normal healthy fair, he will frequent the grocery store to pick up whatever it is that sounds good in that moment.  Cheerios?  Sure!  Pickles? Absolutely.  Ice cream and hot fudge?  I’m on it, babe.  What a guy…

Pregnancy fatigue has also hit.  I’ve never been one to nap – I can probably count the times I’ve done so in my life on two hands.  But I now crave the opportunity to lie down and shut my eyes.  For once, my brain is able to shut off too, and I am able to give my body the rest it needs.  This isn’t an everyday occurrence by any means, perhaps not even weekly.  But when I have time to sit and rest, I certainly seize it!

The sickness and the fatigue has been manageable, overall, but on Friday of this past week, we experienced a pretty significant scare.  I woke up with some bleeding, and I had been experiencing period-like cramping for several days, which was progressively becoming more intense.  I looked at Dave that morning with fear in my eyes; while we knew bleeding in the first trimester is normal, it was the most frightening thing to experience firsthand.  I called our fertility clinic, and when I received a call back from the nurse, she stated she wanted to see me in right away for an ultrasound to be sure the baby was alright.  Panic washed over my body, and I immediately got in my car to make the long drive from my office in Chaska to the clinic in Woodbury.  Fortunately, Dave was able to leave work to join me, and he called me on the drive to ensure I was remembering to breathe (and not drive too fast!).  When I pulled in to the parking lot, Dave was already there waiting for me, and he held his arms open for me to walk in to when I exited my car.  I knew in that moment that he, too, was scared.  We walked hand-in-hand into the clinic and were brought back immediately by a wonderful nurse who we have been fortunate to work with numerous times in the past.  She told me that I did the right thing by calling, and that she was hoping that we would find a healthy baby and nothing but.

When the ultrasound probe was placed, I held my breath.  My mind flashed back to our first pregnancy, at this exact point in time (6.5 weeks) when the technician told us we had lost our baby.  I tried to shake that memory from my mind and focus on the present.  The nurse shifted the ultrasound probe until a large black circle came into focus, and a tear came to the corner of her eye when she smiled and told us “I see a heartbeat!”  Dave and I instantly wept, and were overwhelmed by this moment which we had been waiting and praying for.  Our baby’s heartbeat measured at a rate of 123, and we were given pictures of our little gummy bear (that’s what I think he/she looks like at the time!).  I was told that my bleeding could have stemmed from an irritation of my cervix, or the multiple blood thinners I was currently taking (both oral and injectable).  After consulting with my physician, I was told to stop my baby aspirin, and keep my appointment for the upcoming Tuesday to ensure things were still growing and developing well.  This was the best news to enter in to the weekend with!

I took it easy over the weekend, and enjoyed time with my mom who came over on Saturday.  My mom is my rock, and one of my best friends.  We talk on the phone multiple times a week and she is always there for me no matter what the circumstance.  I can tell she is just over the moon excited to be a ‘nana’ (although she technically already is to our boy, Nash).

On Sunday, Dave and I volunteered at church, and it was amazing to be greeted and hugged by so many friends and loved ones in our church community who mentioned they have been praying for us and Baby B.  I’ve said it before and it’s too significant not to say again – the support we have received throughout this journey is incredible. Because of this Blog, I’ve also had the tremendous opportunity to talk to other couples who are going through infertility, and provide my support and listening ear for them during a time I know is so difficult.  This has been such an honor and has made sharing our story 100% worth it.

This morning, we had another ultrasound which again yielded absolutely amazing news.  Our baby is continuing to develop and stay on par with growth milestones.  The heartbeat was visibly stronger, and heightened to a rate of 173/minute!  Dave was visibly emotional as he held my hand and watched the monitor.  I couldn’t see the screen as well due to my position, but watching my husband’s reaction to our little one was just as special for me.  On our way out, I scheduled my final appointment with our fertility clinic.  This appointment will mark our 9-week ultrasound, and the point at which we “graduate” from our clinic and move on to my regular OB!  I have dreamed of this day, and it is most definitely bittersweet, as we’ve genuinely formed a relationship with the staff who have cared for us over the course of the last year.

At our appointment today, we had our nurse place the gender of our little one in an envelope.  Dave strategically took it and placed it in his pocket, as he knew I couldn’t be trusted 😉 We plan to do a fun gender reveal, just between the two of us, so we can learn the sex of the baby together.  And we also plan to keep this news private. Wait… WHAT?  I know.  We aren’t sharing the gender of our baby with you all.  This is the one thing, throughout this entire vocal and transparent journey, that we want to keep to just Dave and I.  Is there a chance we will slip up in the next seven months and call the baby a ‘he’ or a ‘she’?  Sure!  But we are going to do our best to keep our family and friends guessing 😊

With Mother’s Day approaching this weekend, I can’t help but think back to this time last year, when I wrote a short but emotional journal entry.  The words read:

“Mother’s Day.  Today, I had hoped I would be celebrating my first Mother’s Day as an expecting/pregnant mom.  This is a difficult one.  Waiting is one of the hardest parts of infertility, but I need to surrender to God.  Trust in His plan.  Believe that I WILL be a mom and get to personally celebrate Mother’s Day someday…”

To say that I feel fortunate and blessed to be where we are today is the greatest understatement.  God wrote our story, and I’m fortunate to see it unfolding before my very eyes in the most beautiful way.  Happy *early* Mother’s Day to all of you mamas out there.  You’re truly amazing, and I can’t wait to join you in the adventure of motherhood.

XO,

Emily