North of Hope

When Em first started this blog, she thought it would be neat to have me share my experience. So let’s do this!

First things first. I need to give a huge shout out to my wife, Emily, for sharing our story so beautifully with all of you! I had no idea she was such a great writer and I’m so proud of her!

Also, thank you for joining us on this journey and supporting the North-of-Hope blog! It was meant to be open and transparent to help other couples out there who may be going through some of the same struggles, but we’ve received an enormous amount of support, messages, and stories of hope. We are so grateful!

As Em mentioned in her first post, on our first date we both talked about wanting a family someday. We knew that we wanted to start as soon as we got married, but never thought it’d be this tough.

#1 Fan. As you’ve witnessed so far, most of the IVF process revolves around Em, so my main role is to love her endlessly and give her all the support I can find.

• It’s my job to be there for her, and with her, every step of the way.
• It’s my job to put a smile on her face when she’s had a tough day, or to zip it and hold her close.
• It’s my job to pick up the slack on the little things in our lives, whether it’s taking Nash to daycare, taking him for walks, getting ice packs and heat pads, running errands (except Target runs, I wouldn’t dare take that from her), really anything to make Em’s day a little less stressful.
• It’s my job to remind Em of the truth when lies start to enter her mind. To remind her that she is an absolutely beautiful, loved, intelligent, smart, strong, hard-working woman who is the center of my universe.
• It’s my job to tell her we are going to get there, because we will.

I love my job 😊

IVF tests you on many levels, but the ones I’m going to focus on today are the physical, emotional, and spiritual battles.

// Physical Battles

Heading into the IVF process, I knew it was going to challenge us emotionally, but I had absolutely no idea the amount of physical discomfort and pain Em would encounter along the way. The depths of Emily’s strength is truly astonishing. Don’t get me wrong, I knew she was strong before this, but now we’re on a whole new level.

The Pains of Preparation. Shots and medications became her world. Part of this process is SELF-administering multiple shots in the abdomen (and sometimes in the rear) to help prepare Em’s body for either an egg retrieval (exactly what it sounds like), or embryo transfer (implanting the little one(s) back in her uterus). “Stick and grow, stick and grow”. Luckily, being in the medical field, Em isn’t afraid of needles and a little blood. Still, giving yourself daily shots is about as fun as it sounds… terrible! But she has never complained. Man she’s tough. As the days go by, the shots start to wear her down. One night, with a tired look on her face she said, “I’m starting to feel like a pin cushion.” In an attempt to walk a mile in her shoes (and try to make her laugh a bit), I took a clean needle and poked myself… once. One time. One brutal shot is all I needed. The fact is, my wife is an absolute superhero for doing those 3-4 times a day for weeks in a row. I complained all night. I nearly died (yeah yeah, I was pathetic). The injections have to be taken at precise times in the morning and evenings. Therefore, they have become a regular part of our routine. Brush teeth, stab self.

Not only are the injections painful, but the medications often leave her feeling lethargic, nauseous, and basically just not herself. I have no idea how she has made it through work every day, but somehow, someway, she keeps pushing through. “I’ll do whatever it takes.” That became Em’s mantra during the very first round of injections, and she returns to that when times get tough, when shots get painful because she’s run out of places to stab, when she feels like throwing up… “Whatever it takes.”

Post-Op Pains. 2 egg retrieval surgeries. 3 transfer procedures. A D&C surgery after our first miscarriage. And more.

The embryo transfers completely wipe her out for the day, plus a few days after. How fun, right?

The egg retrievals have a longer recovery period as her ovaries return to normal size (from growing many more eggs than the standard 1 a woman creates each cycle). She has a lot of abdominal discomfort and is not allowed to exercise for a few weeks to avoid ovary-twisty-syndrome (I never said I was a doctor… 😊). For someone who loves to exercise and needs that to deal with the emotional side of this, that’s an extremely tough pill to swallow (pun intended).  So, we mall walk. Seriously.

A question I constantly ask myself is, “why does Em have to be the one to suffer?” This process is absolutely unfair in every way. I wish more than anything I could bear all of that pain for her and I feel immense guilt. There are very few things harder on a person than watching the one they love go through so much pain, even if it’s for such an amazing cause. I’ve had a front-row seat to witness the true strength of a determined mama-to-be. Em has a scary amount of resolve and I’m inspired every day! Even after losing each pregnancy, she is determined to keep moving forward with the next steps instead of taking breaks. She knows with breaks comes more waiting, more time to dwell on things… So we keep pushing forward.

Physical battles are intense and have knocked us down, but not out. Next up is all about the head and the heart: the emotional battles.

// Emotional Battles

Just like seeing Em in physical pain, watching her emotionally suffer is just as devastating. In one moment, we would find out we’re pregnant and experience extreme joy and hope. Just a few days later those feelings were ripped away, and then again, and again. The emotional ups and downs of the infertility journey can feel like torture at times. You’re given a sliver of hope, only to feel the intense pain of a loss. Negative and depressing thoughts can, and often did, consume our entire day. Anyone who’s experienced even a little anxiety or depression knows how relentless that downward spiral can be once you’re in it, and how hard it is to escape. You can find yourself in some dark places, and we definitely did.

I quickly saw just how critical it is to be at every appointment and procedure, big and small. You never know when even a seemingly routine appointment can take a turn. We have left so many appointments in tears, crying in the parking lot, holding each other up, then pulling ourselves together and heading off to work. Unfortunately, the rest of the world doesn’t stop for IVF. There were a number of times that Em wiped the tears from her eyes and headed off to work like a champ… and I simply couldn’t do it. After she left, I’d stop in a parking lot to collect myself, then head to a coffee shop to work for the day because I couldn’t handle my emotions and needed to be alone instead of going to the office.

Waiting game. There were days, sometimes weeks, of waiting between appointments and test results. You have to wait 10 days after each embryo transfer to find out if you’re initially pregnant. TEN. DAYS. During what feels like an eternity, emotions are all over the board. Even the slightest change in Em’s health made us feel like it was an indication that things weren’t going well. Are we pregnant? Are we not? Even after all of the preparation and shots, all the tears, all the procedures… the waiting game is where the head and heart need to buckle down. We did what we could to pass the time, but there’s only so much you can do.

Em and I have always believed we’re a strong team and, while I’m supposed to be the support and rock, there were plenty of times that I felt weak and she knew she had to step up for the team. I’m blessed with a truly amazing wife who always knows how to help me back up. We had lots of conversations going into this journey about how critical communication would be, now more than ever. We knew our relationship and faith would be tested so we continually worked on US. We continually checked in and peeled away from the world at times to focus on our love.

Never lose hope. If you know me, you know I can be a bit of an optimist. Ok ok… I’m optimistic to probably an obnoxious point (sorry babe). One of her friends once told me, “easy man, you can’t s**t glitter all the time.” Oh, but I can! No matter how tough the news is, I’ve always tried to (eventually) refocus us on the next step. I know it can be hard for Em to hear, but we both know we need to have that next step to grab hold of and drag us forward. “Whatever it takes.”

Balancing act. I often had to find the balance between supporting Em through optimism, humor, quiet comfort, and my angelic singing voice. I don’t get it right all the time. I haven’t always said or done the right things at the right time. I’m always hard on myself and wish I could do better, but there is no manual, and we’re in uncharted water (for us). But Em knows I’m trying my best and she loves me for it all. Even the singing 😉

Sharing our struggles and asking for support from friends and family early on helped us feel not so alone. Since infertility isn’t widely discussed, it’s hard to know just how many people have actually been through similar challenges. So many amazing people have reached out and shared their heartbreaking stories and struggles, and offered love, advice, prayer, and testaments of hope. I need to pause and say a HUGE thank you to everyone who has been our rock and support through this! We could not have conquered the emotional battles to this point without an extreme amount of generosity and love from so many! We are eternally thankful.

Also, it doesn’t hurt to have the most amazing dog ever. Nash needs to get some love in this post! He knows when mama is having a tough day and needs some snuggles.

Nobody, not even I, will ever fully comprehend the painful emotions Em has endured, and I couldn’t be prouder of my wife for coming through time and time again. Now, for the soul: the battle of our faith.

// Spiritual Battles

Right around when Em and I began dating, we started attending Eagle Brook Church (Blaine) and our relationship with God began to steadily grow stronger and stronger. We had no idea that infertility would one day bring us to our knees. We had no idea our faith was going to get rocked and tested this much. Em and I both struggled mightily with our faith early on in this journey. “Why God? Why us?” But we never gave up hope.

After learning that our 2nd embryo transfer did not result in a pregnancy, I needed something to lift me up. As I opened a new devotional called “Anxious for Nothing” in the YouVersion Bible app, I came across this message:

Jesus promised that “in this world you will have trouble” (John 13:33 NIV). It is as inevitable as the sun rising on a new day—as waves crashing on the shores of a beach. But what you also need to remember is that Jesus has promised to be with you in the midst of those troubles. I have told you this, so that you might have peace in your hearts because of me. While you are in the world, you will have to suffer. But cheer up! I have defeated the world. (John 16:33 CEV)

Wow. I was shocked to see something like that in the Bible. I understand that life isn’t easy, it’s full of challenges, but for some reason I always had it in my head that if you believed that Jesus died for us, took on the sins of the world for us, and would pave our way to heaven someday, that we would be protected from any deep valleys like this. This experience has opened my eyes, and heart, to a deeper appreciation for the role God plays in my life and how he can use pain like this for good.

I would be lying if I told you we have had unwavering faith through this all. I’m not proud of that. At first, I was scared to be mad at God. It took my amazing mom giving me permission one day.  She told me, “It’s ok to be upset with God, just don’t turn from him completely. Talk to him about it” That woke me up, and the crazy thing is that God was about to work through someone else to bring us a gift to drive home my mom’s point.

It just so happened that one of our incredible friends we met at Eagle Brook (Wayzata) gave us a book written by Pastor Craig Groeschel called “Hope in the Dark: Believing God Is Good When Life Is Not”. By the title alone, is that not exactly what we needed? The book embraced the profound perspective that it’s ok to wrestle with God… It’s actually encouraged! That blew my mind and is exactly what my mom told me just weeks prior.

I highly encourage you to pick up this book if you’ve ever been through deep pain and struggled with your faith. God’s timing could not have been more perfect bringing this book into my life when he did. It helped me prepare for what would be one of the hardest blows yet. Sitting on a couch in Arizona while on vacation, we got the call from the doctor that we were no longer pregnant. We had lost our final 2 embryos of our first egg retrieval round and would now have to repeat the entire process all over again… More waiting, shots, medications, preparation, egg retrieval, waiting, more shots, embryo transfer, more waiting. We held each other in silence, crying until we were short of breath. We searched our hearts and prayed to God. I picked up my notes from Hope in the Dark and found a number of passages that spoke to my heart and helped me start my healing process.

Here are a couple points he made that really spoke to me:

“You don’t see many farms on mountain tops, because things grow better in valleys. Your time in valleys may not be pleasant, but it’s in the valleys of life that you grow closer to God and stronger in your faith.”

“What if it takes real pain to experience deep and abiding hope. God often gives you more than you can handle, so you can learn to depend wholly on him.”

“My power is strongest when you are weak.” (2 Corinthians 12:8)

“God is infinitely wiser than us. He is looking out for our long-term eternal joy, not our immediate, earthly happiness. You have to remember, just because things aren’t going your way doesn’t mean God still isn’t working. Hold on.”

“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” – MLK Jr.

“Faith isn’t faith until it’s all you’re holding on to.”

“I’ve walked with Jesus for enough yesterdays to trust him with all my tomorrows.”

“To call it what it is, life isn’t fair. Look at Jesus’ life. He was perfect. He healed the sick, loved the unloved, was tortured, died, and became the sacrifice for sinners like us. Life isn’t fair.”

“Have Hope in the Dark.”

Wow. Amen to that. Those are just some of my favorites, but there are so many more powerful ah-ha moments in his book.

I’ve seen Em’s beautiful faith flourish over the past year. She not only has pursued God on a daily basis and made him an active part of her life, but she’s pushed me and encouraged me to be better too. As strange as this may sound, in some ways I am actually thankful for going through this difficult, at times nearly impossible, IVF process. It has brought us both closer to God than ever before, which I believe is ultimately what’s important at the end of our days. Instead of looking back at the past year and seeing it as the hardest, worst year of our lives, we choose to look back on it as the year we fully committed to Jesus as our savior and protector. 2018 was the year we didn’t give up and grew closer to each other and to God.

Just as God has continuously shown up in our lives throughout this journey, I happened to look down at my phone and saw this Verse of the Day. Great timing God:

We are so blessed as a family, and grateful for all that God has provided. I trust that God will be with us on this journey, lifting us up when we get knocked down and showing us the way forward.  I’m proud of Em and myself for sinking into our faith and surrendering to the plan God has for us. I’m thankful for so many people who encouraged us and prayed for us every single day. I know that we are winning the battle of faith, which is just North of Hope.

// To Wrap Things Up

All of the physical, emotional, and spiritual battles are relentless, but worth it. They’ve forced us to meet each other on a deeper level and grow stronger. We both are determined to keep fighting because we want to be parents and we don’t have a choice but to keep taking this thing on, one step at a time. It’s been said that you don’t know how strong you really are until you need to be. My wife is one heck of a fighter, as strong as they come. She has blown me away with her perseverance and I couldn’t be more grateful to get to love her through this journey.

My heart goes out to anyone who has gone through, is going through, or may someday have to go through infertility. We’re here for you if you ever need to talk, just like so many have been there for us. We know we’ll be parents someday, and Em is going to be the most incredible mommy in the world. She has fought harder and longer than anyone should have to, and I know we’ll get there.

Have hope, never give up. “Whatever it takes.”

– Dave