North of Hope

1 in 8.  That’s the number of women/couples affected by infertility.  Despite it being a relatively common condition, it is certainly not spoken about often.  And that’s why I am here. To share our journey, with the hopes to help even one single person know that he/she is not alone.  I pray that I can provide support and love to others through what has, for me, been the most difficult chapter of my life to date.

For those who do not know me, I am a nurse by career, a Christ-follower, a total foodie, and a mom to my adorable Australian Labradoodle, Nash.  I also am married to the most amazing man I’ve ever met, Dave, and for that, I am eternally grateful.  Dave and I attended the same college and knew “of” each other, but did not reconnect and begin dating until a few years after.  On our first date, while walking around a lake in Minneapolis, we asked each other questions in order to get to know one another on a deeper level.  One of the first questions was, “do you want kids and if so, how many?”  We both were in agreement that we most definitely wanted to be parents someday, and since we both came from a family of two children, that seemed like a great number.  Fast forward four years to our wedding on a beautiful September afternoon – we couldn’t wait to begin trying to start our family.

Now, if you’ve ever “tried” to get pregnant and it did not happen right away – you may empathize with the next items.  One month goes by, no pink lines on the pregnancy test.  Two months, still nothing.  Three months – let’s buy those extremely expensive ovulation tests and use one daily.  But for us, nothing was working.  To make a very long story shorter, I went through what seemed like endless blood draws, procedures, and ultimately a diagnostic surgery which revealed that one of my fallopian tubes was only partially open, while the other was completely closed off.  In addition, over half of my uterus was covered with scar tissue.  The cause of all of this, you ask?  Unknown – then, and still to this day.

So what did we do from there?  Well, the doctor was able to clear the scar tissue from my uterus, so he suggested we try a round of oral medication to hopefully induce ovulation and increase egg production.  Big fail.  So, we swallowed our pride, pulled out our pocket books and moved on to his next suggested step – injectable medications.  I gave myself two shots in the abdomen per day to hopefully grow follicles (the little sacs on your ovaries which each contain an egg) and assist in our journey to starting a family.  While this helped slightly, the one and only follicle which was showing on ultrasound was on the side of my blocked fallopian tube.  Even if an egg were to fertilize, it would not be able to travel from my fallopian tube to my uterus, and result in a pregnancy.  The physician told us quite candidly that our chances of getting pregnant naturally would be less than 2%.  He said our best chance of getting pregnant would be by In Vitro Fertilization (IVF), as this method would allow us to bypass my fallopian tubes.

The extremely odd thing about all of this was, and still is, that I’ve always had this strange feeling ever since I was a little girl that having children would not come easily for me.  So, as we sat in that clinic room and heard the heartbreaking news, with tears streaming down my face, my lifelong fears came to fruition.

Dave and I walked out of the doctor’s office that day and fell into each other’s arms in the parking lot, our tears pooling into each other’s necks.  I will never forget what Dave told me in that moment… “Em, no matter how hard this is, we need to Thank God.  He’s got this.”  That moment was where and when God took over.  Not only in our fertility journey, but in our lives.  And while IVF was not the “plan” we each would have chosen for our life, it was and is OUR plan.  And as the doctor said, it was our best option to achieving our beautiful goal of becoming a mommy and daddy.

Let me be clear when I say that God has moved mountains in the year that we’ve been struggling with infertility and undergoing IVF.  Do we have an earthly child to hold?  No.  But we have four angels in heaven, wrapped in His arms.  We firmly believe that God is walking alongside us and in the midst of our weakest moments, carrying us.  Our faith has been tested, and strengthened beyond measure throughout this journey and I honestly cannot say I would be where I am now in my faith without experiencing these hardships.  So we have, and will continue to fight, knowing that our Savior is always for us.  He. Never. Fails.

XO,
Em

Next post, coming soon:  IVF Round 1 – Egg Retrieval and Our First Miscarriage.